Friday, November 07, 2008

Feel Free to Skip This One (The Ramblings of the Discouraged and Sleep Deprived)

So far the measly three hours of sleep I got doesn't seem to be affecting me (much).
My body decided that I would take a little ride with anxiety last night.
Pounding heart. Chills. Eyes wide open. And me telling myself "Enough already. Yeah, yeah. Stress, schmess. Can't we just sleep?"

* * * *

I was reminded last night that I haven't written a research paper in 18 years. We received our rough drafts back from our professor and while it wasn't totally lost in a sea of red editing marks, I was hoping the draft would be returned to me with a glowing review and a note that as soon as I sort out my footnotes I would be done.

It's kind of a synopsis of how I'm feeling about school right now. I'm feeling old and I just want to finish. I am losing sight of the end goal and my drive to get there is fading. I know that I would like to move on to a different career, but I have nothing specific in mind. It feels so distant since I can't do more than a class at a time...ugh. I'll stop complaining. Complaining is just ugly.

* * * *

I think you can guess what my weekend holds in store for me but I'm sure I'll figure out a way to finagle a few more rows on the cowl (officially 1/3 finished). Knitting with this fancy silk yarn is rather pleasant, but it isn't playing nicely with my circular needle. It keeps getting caught on the join, which is truly miserable on the rows where I have to do an extra wrap of yarn. I am trying to knit loosely but the yarn is so smooth, it naturally tightens itself up on the cord portion of the needles. Once the cowl is off the needles, I have a couple of tiny kitties (mew!) to finish and then it's back to the February Lady, which perhaps I should call the April Madame? My self-imposed 'finish by February' deadline seems to be a little out of reach now but you never know...the winter school break approacheth (yay!).

Whew. Sorry for such a gloomy gus of a post. Sometimes I just need to get it out of my system and writing it out really does help.


Madre Adoptiva said...

Sorry to hear about the anxiety, sleepless night and the yarn issue. I am having the same issue with my Feb Lady (getting caught on the join). SO annoying!

emily said...


Katie said...

Even your "bad" posts are great. I love hearing what you're up too. Good luck with the paper. There is an end point to the game, really!

raining sheep said...

Ugh, that all sucks. I have not taken any courses yet because work is so busy I can't deal with it. I feel for you...but just think of it one course at a really do NOT have to rush anything. Small steps eventually get you there. Do something nice for yourself that makes you feel good...and busy brain at night IS a bad thing...I know that feeling all too well. Drink some camomille tea...something soothing.

Anonymous said...

I can totally sympathize. I was there, and I'm still a little bit there with school. Chug chug chug along, though. That's my only advice. It'll look up again.

MC said...

I share your pain about school and I'm not even enrolled. Every time I try to take graduate classes, I end up dropping them. Zero motivation, zero interest. It's a shame, really, I should have start school up again as soon as I got that BA. Now I'm out of step and not sure I'll ever get in step.

But you're already in the thick of it, you're almost there! So close! You just have to muddle through, you can do it!